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Monthly Archives: August 2015

Math Teacher

The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam. “No problem.” said the Professor, “Come by my office at ... Read More »

When can we see the baby?

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” ... Read More »

Harmonica

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best present I ever got.” “That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?” “Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day ... Read More »

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and ... Read More »

Penny scale

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” “Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!” Read More »

I tried that

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.I said, “Come on, you know you don’t want to do this!” She said, “I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive ... Read More »

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An old man was lying on his deathbed. With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favorite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man’s wife was baking ... Read More »

Turn off

We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, ... Read More »

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next ... Read More »

Choices

It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: – “Would you like dinner?” – “What are my choices?” asked the passenger. – “Yes or No,” replied the attendant. Read More »

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