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Monthly Archives: October 2015

Did I step on your toe?

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology. “Oh good,” says the man, “then this is ... Read More »

How Do You Get To Heaven?

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class. “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get ... Read More »

Comparing stories

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died. Woman #1: I froze to death. Woman #2: How horrible! Woman #1: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? Woman #2: I died ... Read More »

Try heaven

Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many fat shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.” Read More »

Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, ... Read More »

Barking Dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been ... Read More »

Pregnant with twins

A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!” Read More »

Citizen bus tour

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was se_xually harassed!” The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers ... Read More »

Wishful thinking

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.” The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is ... Read More »

The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents’ home and as I walked past my girlfriend’s bedroom I saw her making the bed. She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying ... Read More »

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