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Monthly Archives: September 2016

Doctor Knows Best

Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and unhappy. Doctor: You should cut down on your drinking. Patient: I don’t drink and have never touched a drop in my life. Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke either doctor. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Good heavens! I haven’t had a ... Read More »

A stage whisper

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make ... Read More »

$5,000 bird

A successful businessman wanted to send his elderly mother a very special gift for her birthday, a rare South American endangered bird valued at $5,000. When he called his mother to see how she liked the surprise gift he was shocked when she said, “It was quite small, but tasted very good.” He asked her, after her shocking reply, “Mom, ... Read More »

It’s bean soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “It’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it’s been,” he replied. “I want to know what it is now?” Read More »

One claw

A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, “Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!” “Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight.” “Well,” said the man, “Bring me the winner!” Read More »

Young actress

A producer is smitten by a beautiful but less than brilliant young actress. He asks for her hand in marriage. She doesn’t quite grasp what he’s saying. He adds, “You don’t understand. I want you to be the mother of my children.” The actress asks, “Really? How many do you have?” Read More »

Stomachache

“I’ve got a stomachache.” “That’s because you haven’t eaten. Your stomach is empty, that’s why it hurts.” “Oh, is that why you have all those headaches?” Read More »

Which bean

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?” The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?” Read More »

Pass Inspection

I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State’s rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found ... Read More »

Costly Wakeup

An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by pre-surgical patients: “How much will the anesthesia cost?” “Oh, about $100.00. $1.00 to go to sleep and $99.00 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package.” Read More »

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