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Monthly Archives: October 2016

Anything I can do?

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. “That’s such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient. “Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.” Read More »

One thing

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, ... Read More »

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well ... Read More »

Brown from the sun?

Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, “Are you brown from the sun?” “No,” replied the other, “I’m Smith from The Times.” Read More »

Send help!

A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault. “I was coming in the back door,” said the man to the dispatcher, “when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!” After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. ... Read More »

How much

“How much for that oil painting?” asked a dealer. “Two hundred and fifty dollars,” replied the artist. Dealer replies, “I will give you twenty.” Artist snapped back, “I should have to be starving to take that!” “Ok then, I will wait,” said the dealer. Read More »

Cheer up!

“Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” “Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.” Read More »

Autumn is here

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?” The husband replies, “Autumn.” Read More »

Slander

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested. “Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.” Read More »

General approach

A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist’s office, but at the end of her first day he felt he had to have a quietword with her. “Your general approach is fine,” he said, “but try saying ‘We’re very busy’ rather than ‘It’s a madhouse.'” Read More »

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