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Monthly Archives: October 2016

I figured..

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in ... Read More »

Fishing in the Caribbean

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company ... Read More »

An Apple A Day

Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?” “That’s what they say,” said his Dad. “Well, give me an apple quick! I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!” Read More »

Walking Economy

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m a walking economy.” His friend replies, “How’s that?” “It’s like this, my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.” Read More »

Get to work!

A guy runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, “What are you doing, Cliff? Do you realize you’re naked? Shouldn’t this be your day off?” Cliff calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice said, “Gentleman, take off your ties.” Somebody ... Read More »

With on one hand

“How are you doing?” said a young guy bumping into his friend at the bar. “I was fine…until last night.” “Why? What happened?” “My girlfriend and I were talking about how many people we had slept with.” “Oh, what did she say?” “She said she could count the number of guys she’s slept with on one hand.” “That’s good, surely?” ... Read More »

Only Time I Use My Head

An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out. “Thank you very much,” said the lady, “but why did you use your head?” “I ... Read More »

Once Upon A Time

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?” “No,” he replied. “A whole lot of them begin with ‘If elected, I promise …'” Read More »

What do you have?

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The bartender says, “What do you have?” The guy says, “75 cents.” Read More »

Last requests

A guy’s on the electric chair. The warden’s just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, “Do you have any last requests?” The guy says, “(hic) Yeah… (hic) could you please do (hic)… could you please do something to scare me?” Read More »

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