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Take them to the zoo!

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy obliges and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins ... Read More »

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.” Read More »

Millions of Years Ago

While at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park, I overheard a confused woman complaining to her friend. She said, “How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?” Read More »

Probably in the carburetor

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. “Was it a large red cow ... Read More »

The Lost Talking Bird

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking. Confused, my father asked what ... Read More »

Do you mind?

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him. The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog. “Do you mind if I throw ... Read More »

Predict the Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy. If ... Read More »

Mommy Bear

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into ... Read More »

Haircut

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. “I only pay thirty for my own haircut,” she said. The groomer said, “That may be true, but then you don’t bite!” Read More »

I Can Guess How Many

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, “If I can tell you ... Read More »

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