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Live until ninety

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?” “How old are you now?” “Forty.” “Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?” “No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I don’t have any vices.” “Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?” Read More »

That’s A Smart Boy

A little boy goes to the doctor and tells him, “I’m smart Doc!” The doctor says, “Really?” He then points to the boys foot and says, “What’s that?” “That’s my foot.” “Very good,” says the Doc. “What’s that?” he asks, pointing to the boys knee. “That’s my knee.” “Excellent.” “Now, what’s that?” he asks, pointing to the boys elbow. “My ... Read More »

Good progress

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. “You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m nobody! Read More »

Lettuce leaf

A guy walked into the doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of one ear. “That’s unusual,” said the doctor. The man replied, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.” Read More »

It’s Simple Math

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The psychiatrist informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. He asks the first patient, “How much is two plus two?” “Blue.” At which point the doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks, “What ... Read More »

Is it serious?

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there ... Read More »

Following orders

Doctor: I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse? Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc. Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order. Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me. Read More »

Thirty..

Doctor to patient’s husband: “I’m sorry. We did all that was humanly possible but we just can’t wake her from her coma. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid.” “But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only thirty-nine.” Upon which the comatose wife said weakly… “Thirty-seven.” Read More »

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