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Walking in the forest

An old old woman is walking in the forest with a gun. She meets a young man and says to him suspiciously, “Wanna rape me, huh?” “No, no, certainly not.” (Pointing her gun on him) “But you will.” Read More »

Keeping Warm in the Winter

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared. One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to ... Read More »

Love Letters From Grandpa

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20’s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.” “Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the ... Read More »

Elevator pinch

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he ... Read More »

Keynote

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique. “The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!” he advised. “If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people’s throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don’t ever forget to repeat ... Read More »

Following instructions

A woman brought her baby to see the Doctor, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned ... Read More »

It’s For The Dog

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment… an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. “Believe ... Read More »

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.” Read More »

A Cold Charity Case

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive ... Read More »

I want to get married!

Little Paul says to his father, “Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.” His father says, “For that son, you have to have a girlfriend.” Paul says, “But I’ve found a girl.” “Who?” said his father. “My grandma.” “Let me get this straight.” the father says. “You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.” “Well, why not?” says ... Read More »

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