Old Age Jokes

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  • Infrequently

    An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time. They decide it’s finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical […] More

  • How retired folks stay happy and occupied

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We […] More

  • The Umbrella

    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day […] More

  • I need your help, Doctor!

    An elderly patient went to the doctor. “I need your help, Doctor,” he said. “Do you remember those voices in my head which I’ve been complaining about for years?” “Yes.” “Well, they’ve suddenly stopped.” “That’s good. So what’s the problem?” “I think I might be going deaf.” More

  • When we got married..

    An elderly couple was having their first major row after thirty-six years of marriage. “When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey,” the wife said. “I know,” said the husband, “but I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.” More

  • The New SUV

    Two old friends were chatting. One said to the other, “My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV.” Other guy responded, “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine that, an SUV… what a great gift!” “Yup! Socks, Underwear, AND Viagra!” More

  • Future plans

    A couple in their early seventies were discussing their future plans. The husband asked, “What will you do if I die before you?” The wife thought for a moment before replying, “I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women, maybe people a little younger than me since I […] More

  • Walking in the forest

    An old old woman is walking in the forest with a gun. She meets a young man and says to him suspiciously, “Wanna rape me, huh?” “No, no, certainly not.” (Pointing her gun on him) “But you will.” More

  • Love Letters From Grandpa

    My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20’s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.” “Did you marry Grandpa when […] More

  • Supposed to wear

    Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. “We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith. “Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.” More

  • Well-preserved

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep […] More

  • Long Life

    Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you. More

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