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40th wedding anniversary

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary… The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'”. “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last'”. Read More »

I just saved

A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife, “Honey, you should be so proud of me, I just saved $1.50 by not taking the bus, but I chased it all the way home.” The wife replied, “You want a medal for that? You should have chased a cab and saved yourself $15!” Read More »

Improved

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.” “Sounds like you may be bitter because she ... Read More »

4-letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! ... Read More »

I’ve been insulted

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.” “I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?” ... Read More »

That Was Short

A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow,” said her husband, “that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?” “Wrong number,” replied the wife. Read More »

Meeting the Bride

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, “Can you guess which one I want to ... Read More »

On the radio

Hearing his wife as she sings, the husband says, “You know dear, when you sing like that I just wish you were on the radio.” The wife smiles and replies, “Wow honey, you think I am that good?” “No, but at least that way I can change the station or turn it off.” Read More »

Up On the Roof

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, “The cat just died.” She burst into tears and said, “How could you be so blunt? Why couldn’t you ... Read More »

The only pleasure

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here that you’ll need much bigger shoes than that.” The guy says, “That’s OK, please bring me the smaller ones.” The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into ... Read More »

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