Doctor Jokes

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  • Accidents

    A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. “Ever have an accident?” “Nope, nary a one.” “None? You’ve never had any accidents?” “Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.” “Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t […] More

  • Mud bath

    A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, “Well, I’m afraid you have six weeks to live.” The guy says, “Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?” The doctor tells him, “You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks,” and the guy asks, “Why? Is […] More

  • Would you please do me a favor?

    A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want […] More

  • Loud Disturbance

    My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. “Hello,” she whispered. “Hi, honey. How’s your mother?” I asked. “She’s sleeping,” she answered, again in a whisper. “Did she go to the doctor?” “Yes. She got some medicine,” my niece said softly. “Well, don’t […] More

  • Jar number 47

    A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for grouchy Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment […] More

  • Go to the dentist

    Arthur: I like to go to the dentist. Marion: You really like to see the dentist? Arthur: Yes. My teacher, my mother, my big sister–they all tell me to shut up. The dentist is the only person who tells me to open my mouth! More

  • Live until ninety

    “Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?” “How old are you now?” “Forty.” “Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?” “No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I don’t have any vices.” “Well, good heavens, what do you want to live […] More

  • That’s A Smart Boy

    A little boy goes to the doctor and tells him, “I’m smart Doc!” The doctor says, “Really?” He then points to the boys foot and says, “What’s that?” “That’s my foot.” “Very good,” says the Doc. “What’s that?” he asks, pointing to the boys knee. “That’s my knee.” “Excellent.” “Now, what’s that?” he asks, pointing […] More

  • Good progress

    A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. “You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m nobody! More

  • Medical prescription

    A guy goes to the doctor. Guy: “Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places.” Doctor: “Well, don’t go to those places!” More

  • Lettuce leaf

    A guy walked into the doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of one ear. “That’s unusual,” said the doctor. The man replied, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.” More

  • It’s Simple Math

    Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The psychiatrist informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. He asks the first patient, “How much is two plus two?” “Blue.” At which point the doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the […] More

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