Lawyer Jokes

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  • Witness Testimony

    A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. “Did you see the shot fired?” “No, sir, I only heard it.” “Stand down” said the judge sharply. “Your testimony is of no value.” The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he […] More

  • He heart of the matter

    A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. “I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from […] More

  • Sharing

    A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the […] More

  • You’re beautiful!

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later […] More

  • A man’s logic

    A couple wants a divorce, but first, they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, “Well I carried this child around […] More

  • About Titanic

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […] More

  • Boy Scout on the plane

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that […] More

  • Lawyers Don’t Lie

    A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that […] More

  • Screwed

    A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?” She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.” He says, “No kidding! […] More

  • Beautiful…

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later […] More

  • The lawyer was cross-examining

    The lawyer was cross-examining a witness. “Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?” The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response. Finally, the judge spoke […] More

  • Which one

    Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist! More

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