Lawyer Jokes

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  • Nervous

    A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, “Have you ever been married?” “Yes, sir,” said the witness in a low voice. “Once.” “Whom did you marry?” the lawyer demanded. “Well, a woman,” the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, “Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear […] More

  • Reasonable doubt…

    Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. “Ladies and gentlemen […] More

  • Free Advice At Social Affairs?

    A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during […] More

  • False Analogy

    A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, “All lawyers are a$sholes.” The fellow next to him lit into him. “How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as a$sholes? How have you missed that it’s just not okay to cast aspersions […] More

  • Plastic or Rubber?

    A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers […] More

  • Let’s Be Honest

    Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check. […] More

  • Loopholes

    A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, “What is it, honey?” He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to […] More

  • Lighthouse keeper

    A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night in question?” The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the machinery flashed the light on and off and how he constantly […] More

  • Broken Arm

    Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last […] More

  • My poor car

    A young, rich lawyer had a very bad car crash. The porsche was a write-off but even worse, the lawyer’s arm had been severed. When the paramedics arrived, they heard him whimpering, “My car, oh my poor car.” “Sir,” said one of the helpers, “I think you should be more concerned about your arm.” The […] More

  • What do you suggest

    A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”  Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in […] More

  • The jury duty!

    A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall […] More

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