Marriage Jokes

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  • English girl

    An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says, “An English girl.” The woman kept quiet […] More

  • Blue silk pajamas

    A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” […] More

  • Who Is Sleeping

    Wife: “You told me so many bad things in your sleep last night!” Husband: “Who said I was asleep?” More

  • Brand new

    A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: “So, how do you like using second-hand goods?” “Doesn’t bother me,” the new husband replies. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.” More

  • Next turn

    After leaving their wedding reception, a young honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their hotel. The driver wasn’t sure how to get there and said he’d ask for directions when they got nearer to their destination. Meanwhile the lovers started getting really passionate in the back seat. Seeing a fork in the […] More

  • The Skin Graft

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor […] More

  • End of story!

    A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. “Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! […] More

  • Plumber’s truck

    Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway. “Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.” More

  • 40th wedding anniversary

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary… The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’”. “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At […] More

  • I just saved

    A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife, “Honey, you should be so proud of me, I just saved $1.50 by not taking the bus, but I chased it all the way home.” The wife replied, “You want a medal for that? You should have chased a cab and saved […] More

  • Improved

    “Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.” “Sounds like you […] More

  • 4-letter words

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible […] More

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