Police Jokes

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  • The Local sheriff was looking

    The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her “Okay, what is 1 and 1?” “Eleven”, she replies. The sheriff thinks to himself, “That’s not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!” “What two days of the week begin with the […] More

  • Speeding Ticket!

    A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn’t. Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn’t speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I […] More

  • Try To Spell That Name

    A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, “I’m Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my sister in Columbia.” As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, […] More

  • Drunk driver?

    A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five […] More

  • Borrowed the Car

    After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, […] More

  • You’re Wrong, Officer

    The police officer approaches the driver, “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.” The lady driver looks at the officer and replies, “You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.” More

  • Go Ahead and Do It

    Police officer talks to a driver: “Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars!!” [Pause] Driver: “Alright, go ahead and do it. They want twice as much as that at the garage. More

  • Have you learned anything?

    I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop. “So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop. “Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way […] More

  • It isn’t that serious

    “How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Come on, now,” he […] More

  • Papers!

    A cop pulled me over and saids, “Papers.” I turned to him and said, “Scissors. I win!” and then drove away. More

  • Stop or Slow Down

    A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied. “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. “But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required […] More

  • Police Quotes

    “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift […] More

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