Religious Jokes

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  • Keep On Pulling

    A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. “This mower work, son?” the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, “Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though.” The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready […] More

  • What do they say?

    A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquires. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’” “That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I […] More

  • Adam’s Suit

    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, […] More

  • Stolen Turkey!

    Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Dewey said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?” “Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.” “I tried,” […] More

  • I’m Jesus Christ!!!

    A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, “I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into […] More

  • God Is With Us

    Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“ “What if you have an accident? The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.” The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people […] More

  • The Priest and the Hair Dryer

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry […] More

  • Wanna Go to Heaven?

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ‘Certainly, Father,’ the […] More

  • Dear God…

    Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot […] More

  • God For A Bike

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. More

  • Vatican Fried Chicken

    During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from “Give us this day our daily bread” to “Give us this day our daily chicken,” and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. Two weeks later, the […] More

  • Forgive Your Enemies

    The preacher’s Sunday sermon was ‘Forgive Your Enemies.’ He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. “Mrs. Johnson, are you […] More

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