Father present

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
“Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top.
“Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and ask, ‘How longa you gonna be?'”

No man has ever succeeded

Two drunks