Doctor Jokes

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  • What’s the verdict?

    A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet covering her. Suddenly a young man came in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely. “What’s the verdict?” she asked. He replied, “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask the doctor that, I’m only the window cleaner.” More

  • It’s no good

    “It’s no good, Mabel, I can’t find anything wrong with you, it must be the effects of drinking,” said the doctor. “Well, in that case I’ll come back when you’re sober!” exclaimed the woman. More

  • First child

    A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!” More

  • High blood pressure

    Sally had to go in and have her yearly physical done. When Dr. Jones remarked on her extraordinarily ruddy complexion, Sally replied, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.” “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” Dr. Jones inquired. “Neither,” Sally replied. “It’s from my husbands family.” “Oh, come now,” Dr. Jones said. “How […] More

  • New Hearing Aid

    Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is […] More

  • Duck Hunting!

    Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead. The general practitioner looked at it and said, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away. When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at […] More

  • Serious Patient

    A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the […] More

  • First visit

    A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician. “I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Two thousand dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.” The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save […] More

  • (R)ear drops!

    A Blonde brought her baby in to see the doctor, and right away he determined that baby had an ear ache. Doctor wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it. Several […] More

  • Ban plastic bags…

    Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said: “You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.” So Sam came back in four hours […] More

  • Broken legs…

    At the hospital, there was a man laying in the emergency room, the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man. Man said, `Will I be ok, Doctor?” The doctor turned to him and said, “Well there is good and bad news.” “Tell me the bad news”, said the man. “Well,” said the doctor, […] More

  • Observation !

    A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. “You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger […] More

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