Lawyer Jokes

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  • Not guilty?

    After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?” “Yes, we have, your honor,” The foreman responded. “Would you please pass it to me,” The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff […] More

  • Law Class!

    The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and […] More

  • Long Tour of Duty

    I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance […] More

  • Witness Testimony

    A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. “Did you see the shot fired?” “No, sir, I only heard it.” “Stand down” said the judge sharply. “Your testimony is of no value.” The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he […] More

  • He heart of the matter

    A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. “I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from […] More

  • Sharing

    A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the […] More

  • You’re beautiful!

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later […] More

  • A man’s logic

    A couple wants a divorce, but first, they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, “Well I carried this child around […] More

  • Beautiful…

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later […] More

  • The hit and run case

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled […] More

  • Dead or alive

    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.  The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a […] More

  • Playing Smart

    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer […] More

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