Lawyer Jokes

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  • Stupid Attorneys

    A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith. “I locked my keys in my sports car!” said the nervous lawyer. “No problem, I should be there in about an hour,” replied the locksmith. “Do you think you can make it a little sooner?” pleaded the lawyer. “My top is down and it’€™s starting […] More

  • Nervous

    A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, “Have you ever been married?” “Yes, sir,” said the witness in a low voice. “Once.” “Whom did you marry?” the lawyer demanded. “Well, a woman,” the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, “Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear […] More

  • False Analogy

    A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, “All lawyers are a$sholes.” The fellow next to him lit into him. “How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as a$sholes? How have you missed that it’s just not okay to cast aspersions […] More

  • Plastic or Rubber?

    A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers […] More

  • Let’s Be Honest

    Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check. […] More

  • Loopholes

    A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, “What is it, honey?” He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to […] More

  • Broken Arm

    Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last […] More

  • The jury duty!

    A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall […] More

  • A Free Haircut

    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber […] More

  • Poor lawyer

    One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter`s there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question. To the teacher, he says, “What was the […] More

  • Oldest Profession!

    A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But, before that, […] More

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