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Monthly Archives: June 2014

It was

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: ‘I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years’ Herman: ‘Hmm. I killed a man, and I’m here for 3 days’ George: ‘WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?’ Herman: ‘Yeah, it was a lawyer.’ Read More »

Habitual Drinker

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day. A few days later the ... Read More »

Emergency Signals

Two avid hunters take a hunter’s safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air. Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost. One says to the other, “What shall we do?” The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may ... Read More »

Ribbon

There was a woman who had a dog that snored. She called her vet to find out if there was anything that would stop the snoring. The vet suggested that she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. So, she went to her sewing basket, found a length of ribbon and tied it around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the ... Read More »

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?” Read More »

Name the animals…

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!” “That’s right!” said the teacher. “How about THIS one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts. “That’s a lion!” answered a little ... Read More »

Working…

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man ... Read More »

A Little Girl Wants To Go

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy” she said “Can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes ... Read More »

Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all ... Read More »

Always talk to you this way?

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that ... Read More »

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