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Play Mommie and Daddy

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate ... Read More »

Improved

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.” “Sounds like you may be bitter because she ... Read More »

I’m done for

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. “I’m done for”, the man cries in despair. “No you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove ... Read More »

Father present

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It ... Read More »

Your hair smells nice

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and and complains to her Supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she confides what her ... Read More »

4-letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! ... Read More »

Have you learned anything?

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop. “So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop. “Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.” Read More »

It isn’t that serious

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to ... Read More »

Member of the United States Congress

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?” “Well no,” the tourist ... Read More »

Good excuse

Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time. Hugh?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Hugh sighed and said, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready ... Read More »

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