Lawyer Jokes

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  • Speeding Judges!

    Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case. The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both […] More

  • Pretending

    There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.” So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her […] More

  • Good news…bad news…

    “I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress.” “Oh, no – I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is down to 140!” More

  • Not guilty?

    After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?” “Yes, we have, your honor,” The foreman responded. “Would you please pass it to me,” The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff […] More

  • Dealing with bribes

    Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He […] More

  • Maths problem

    Little Johnny was in Maths class when the teacher asked the class to solve a problem. The problem was like this: A rich man worth twenty million dollars dies. One fourth of his wealth goes to his wife, one third to his daughter, and one fifth to his nephew, and the rest is donated to […] More

  • Orange

    The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and […] More

  • Law Class!

    The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and […] More

  • Does a lawyer…

    A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?” The father thought for a moment. “Yes son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.” More

  • Misleading notices

    Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. “They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Joe. “It said, ‘FINE FOR PARKING HERE’.” More

  • Burglary trial

    The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam, “I plainly saw him take the goods.” The lawyer asked again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,” said Sam, […] More

  • Cheer up!

    “Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” “Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.” More

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