Old Age Jokes

When I was your age..

A grandfather asks his grandson: “How old are you?” The grandson replies: “Five”. Grandfather says: “When I was your age I was six!” More

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperṃ count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as […] More

Shaking hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face.” The second old fogey one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my […] More

Symptoms

A Doctor recently had a patient “drop” in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked. The aged gentleman replied: “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my […] More

Burglary trial

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam, “I plainly saw him take the goods.” The lawyer asked again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,” said Sam, […] More

A Risk For All Seasons

My elderly mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too!” More

I figured..

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything […] More

Only Time I Use My Head

An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out. “Thank you very much,” said the lady, “but why did […] More

Two drops of water

A elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In […] More

Going Bananas

As part of the admission procedure in a hospital, a nurse will ask the patient if they are allergic to anything. If they are, the nurse prints it on an allergy band that goes on the patient’s wrist. Once when the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, the woman said she […] More

Too Old To Drive

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, “You appear quite […] More

Your chances are better…

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.” More

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