Religious Jokes

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  • Biggest Lie

    The priest was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. “Nothing much, father,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their s*x life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I […] More

  • Communication Skills

    Jack and Mark are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mark replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?” So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?” The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter […] More

  • Confession box!

    A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk […] More

  • The 3 Priests

    There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window… […] More

  • Religious Squirrels

    Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely […] More

  • A Child’s Prayer

    While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child’s voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child’s words. When I spotted a girl perched on a rock, I realized why her words had made no sense: She was repeating the alphabet. “Why are you saying your […] More

  • The Rope

    There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up […] More

  • Best Sermon

    After years of his wife’s pleading, this rich good ole’ boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, “Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!” […] More

  • Drunk and arthritis

    A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple […] More

  • God will save me..

    There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God […] More

  • A Good Smoke

    Bob and Jim are walking to services. Bob asks, “I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?” “Why don’t you ask the rabbi?” says Jim. Bob sees the Rabbi and asks, “Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?” “No, you may not. That’s utterly disrespectful to our […] More

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