Marriage Jokes

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  • Do you see?

    A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think […] More

  • Scaring the kids

    A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ‘What’s up?’ he says. ‘I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling. his four-year-old […] More

  • Chocolate Chip Cookies

    An old man was lying on his deathbed. With only hours to live, he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favorite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the […] More

  • Life..

    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. More

  • Is honesty the best policy?

    After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past. “C’mon, tell me,” Tom asked for the thousandth time, “how many men have you been with?” “Baby, ” she protested, “If I told you, you’d throw a fit.” Tom promised he wouldn’t get angry, and convinced his wife to tell […] More

  • Just the Past

    Wife goes to an astrologer to learn more about her husband. The astrologer asks her, “Do you want to know about your husband’s future?” Without hesitation, the wife responds. “I will decide his future, you just tell me about his past.” More

  • A Home Affair

    My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she […] More

  • Home Improvement

    Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan. I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This […] More

  • Would you swap me?

    Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.” “Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing […] More

  • Reason for Being Together

    A couple decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by hosting a big party. The wife was excited and asked her husband what he thought was the bond that kept them together throughout the years. His reply, “Our marriage certificate, dear.” More

  • Fresh Flowers

    There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked. “What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a week.” “So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like […] More

  • Wake up!

    Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would […] More

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