Religious Jokes

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  • Tips from the holy man

    A group of boys were going to confession one sunday. The first boy, John, says: Father, I’ve done something terrible. What have you done, John? I fu**ed a girl. Who was it? I can’t tell you, father, she would never permit it. Well, John, was it Mary M? No, father, I can’t tell you. Was […] More

  • Does God Exist?

    A Christian and an atheist were neighbors. The Christian one day yells, “Lord please sends me food”. The atheist heard this and replies, “There is no GOD!” The next day the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find that there were bags of groceries. She yells, “Thank You LORD for this food!” […] More

  • God’s Help!

    A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, “God, please get my foot out […] More

  • Clocks

    Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ”We have a clock for each person on earth […] More

  • What do they say?

    A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquires. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’” “That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I […] More

  • Adam’s Suit

    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, […] More

  • Stolen Turkey!

    Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Dewey said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?” “Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.” “I tried,” […] More

  • Wanna Go to Heaven?

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ‘Certainly, Father,’ the […] More

  • Fear of Flying

    There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and […] More

  • Job Interview

    A guy was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job. A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian. He applied for the […] More

  • Nine In A Room

    In Budapest, a man goes to the priest and complains, “Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?” The priest answers, “Take your goat into the room with you.” The man in incredulous, but the priest insists. “Do as I say and come back in a week.” […] More

  • Sharing the Loot!

    Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother […] More

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